Horrorscope: March Brings Doom & Destiny

by Namaah K

Aries: Today a fly will lay eggs in your ear while you're asleep. A couple days later you'll wake up to a wriggling against your eardrum

Leo: On today's office-wide Zoom call you will accidentally screen share a small portion of a video of tortoises having sex

Cancer: Today, after weeks of quarantine, you will finally step out for a walk in the downstairs garden where you will step on a freshly dead pigeon, not noticing it until your partner points to the trail of feathers you've brought home with you

Pisces: Your high school bully would like to add you to their professional network on LinkedIn

Scorpio: Today you will spend hours making a list of the things you'd like to do before you die; your parents will find that list and number five will haunt them forever.

Taurus: The worst is behind you. No, seriously, please don't turn around.

Sagittarius: Damn... did you fall from heaven? Because your radiation levels are through the roof

Gemini: Today, everyone will love and appreciate you; today will be the perfect day. You will spend the rest of your life disappointed because no other day will ever be this perfect as this one.

Virgo: Your body is a temple. Built on an ancient crypt. And like all ancient temples built on crypts, it is unfathomably haunted. Today is the day the spirits finally plot their escape.

Libra: You've got something on your face. Not there, a little to the right. Oh... is that... oh god. I'm so sorry.

Capricorn: Are you stressed out about how relaxed you feel? Good. That means the treatment is working.

Aquarius: Just believe in yourself. Despite everyone around you staring blankly through you and talking about you like you're not even there, you exist.